Why Texas is the Dumbest State in America
Opinion: Texas Is Dumb, Y’all.
Look, I tried to be nice about it. I really did. But after my latest trip to Texas, I have to say what the rest of America has been whispering for years: Texas is dumb. No, not just dumb—loudly, proudly, aggressively dumb. It’s like a state that looked at Florida and said, “Bless your heart, we can be worse.”
Let’s start with the obvious. Texas is massive—too big, honestly. No state needs that much land unless it’s planning an invasion. And yet, despite all that space, y’all somehow still haven’t figured out basic city planning. It’s just highways, strip malls, and an occasional gas station that doubles as a barbecue joint. You can drive for hours and still be nowhere, surrounded by endless billboards screaming about Jesus, guns, and the best way to fry something that really shouldn’t be fried.
And the heat? Let’s talk about it. Texas heat is what happens when the devil himself says, “Y’all should turn it down a notch.” People here act like it’s normal to walk outside and feel your skin sautéing. And what’s the solution? Air conditioning cranked so high that stepping indoors feels like entering a meat locker. The energy grid already failed once, but don’t worry—y’all keep those ACs blasting like Texas invented ice.
Of course, we can’t forget the politics. Texas has the unique ability to make headlines every few months for something spectacularly ridiculous. Whether it’s banning books, trying to secede (again), or arguing that maybe kids don’t need education, the Lone Star State is committed to leading the nation in backward thinking. It’s like someone made a political ideology out of a Walmart clearance bin.
And don’t even get me started on the obsession with "freedom." In Texas, freedom apparently means the right to do anything as long as it’s reckless. No mask mandates, no gun restrictions, and absolutely no regulations on deep-frying butter. But hey, try buying a decent iced coffee in a small town and suddenly you’re the enemy of the state.
Texans love to brag about their state, but here’s the thing—if you have to keep reminding people how great you are, maybe you’re compensating for something. (I’m looking at you, oversized belt buckles and lifted trucks.) The best thing about Texas? The flights that leave it.
Jordan is an Atlanta native with a love for big cities, common sense, and states that don’t make you question the concept of evolution.
